we're so close yet so far apart
by crazyaboutthem
Summary: "You told me to move on! I thought I could do that with Brody but I couldn't! Because I felt disappointed when I saw green eyes where I looked for cinnamon eyes." Just what i would have liked to see after 'Don't Speak' in 4x04. AU as of then


"We're so close yet so far apart", he says.

Her breath hitches. She doesn't say anything for a while. "What?", she whispers. He sighs. "Finn, I-"

"No, just – never mind okay? Let's just go to sleep", he says. She feels the tears stinging her eyes. She sniffles. He sighs. "Rach", he breathes, hating himself and her and her effect on him, he can never say no to her, so he turns around and hugs her.

"I'm sorry", she sobs.

He rubs her back. "It's okay, just relax and don't cry"

She looks up at him and he's looking down at her, his hazel eyes boring into hers, and she just has to do it. She kisses him. He freezes for a second and then he starts kissing her back. She rolls herself so she's on top of him and threads her fingers through his hair. His hands keep rubbing her back and they stop just on the hem of her shirt, touching her skin.

"Rachel", he mumbles.

"Finn, please, just… please", she begs and she feels so pathetic. She's actually _begging_.

Apparently it works. He sighs and grabs the hem of her shirt and pulls it of. His kisses become more insistent and passionate and she's just the same way, of course. This is _Finn_.

He rolls them over over and starts kissing her pulse point and she can't think anymore, so she stops trying.

Afterwards they don't cuddle like they used to and that stings. They just lay, side by side. He's asleep, she knows it. But she just can't sleep. What if he leaves again? She's too scared. She wants to be able to curl into him and let him hold her but everything's just so complicated, as always.

"Stop it", he says, suddenly.

She startles. "What?"

"Thinking. Stop it."

"How did you-?"

"I know you better than anyone Rach. I know who you are, what you do. You over think. You're an over thinker", he says. She chuckles. "What were you thinking about?", he asks.

Her smile disappears. "Nothing. Never mind."

"Rach, come on", he says, and only now he opens his eyes to look at her.

Tears start gathering in her eyes and his face suddenly turns worried. "I can't sleep", she whispers.

"Why?"

"I'm scared"

"Of?" She stays quiet. "Rachel"

"That you'll leave. That I'll wake up and you won't be here. Again.", she says and she really starts crying now. He sighs. "I'm sorry", she says.

"For what?"

"I don't even know." She sighs. She feels so frustrated and mad. And everything that she had bottled up until now bursts. _She_ bursts. "I shouldn't even be saying sorry! Because I didn't even do anything! _You_ left. _You_ picked me up one morning saying we were going to get married only to break up with me! You left. And for four months you didn't speak to me! Not even a miserable mail to let me know that you were okay?!" His face is blank, his mouth wide open and he's staring at her. Tears are streaming down her face, but she can't stop now. She _has_ to do this, for her own sanity. "Did you know that I had nightmares for _two_ months about you being shot or blown up or _something_?! I would wake up screaming and crying praying that you were okay, because no matter what you do to me, _I still love you_! And it's _so_ frustrating because I _can't_ unlove you! _You_ told me to move on! I thought I could do that with Brody but I couldn't! Because I felt disappointed when I saw green eyes where looked for cinnamon eyes. And I stared at his face looking for a lopsided grin where I knew I would never find one. And, yes, I kissed him, but, really, only as an experiment, to figure out my feelings, and, Finn, _you_ let go. You let me go and it hurt me so much Finn. It still does. Because it brings back so many things from my past. You going back to Quinn, _twice_. My own mother choosing Quinn's kid over me. It felt like I can _never_ be enough"

She finishes her speech and she's heaving, tears still rolling down her cheeks. She didn't even notice she got up from the bed and is now standing nest to it (she's kind of glad she put on her pajamas when they finished… their activity). He's still silent and she knows what he's doing. He going over everything she said and figuring out his next words.

But he's taking way too much so she just goes to the bathroom, locks herself in and starts crying once again. A few minutes later she can hear him shuffling in the room and sitting down on the other side of the door. He knocks the door. "Rach?" She stays quiet, except for her sniffles of course. He knocks again. "Come on Rach, we gotta talk about this sometime, we need to put everything out there"

She sighs. She knows he's right. She stands up and opens the door. He stands up as well and stares at her. She walks past him and sits down on the bed. She looks at him and he's still staring at her. "I think I've said enough. It's your turn", she says.

He sighs. "Look Rach, you know I'm not good with words, so bare with me okay?" She nods. He sighs again and runs his fingers through his hair. "First, I need to explain why I did what I did last May. Rachel, I couldn't let you not come to New York because of me. This is your destiny, right here, in this city. And I wouldn't be able to truly say 'I love you' if I let you do that. And, you know how I feel about my dad. That even though didn't die a hero, he was still a hero. He _saved_ people. People who have children now, our age. I _needed_ to live up to that. It wouldn't be fair not to do it. I'm _really_ sorry I made you feel that way Rach, but, when are you going to understand that it's not you who isn't good enough? It's _me_. I keep breaking your heart over and over again out of stupidity, and somehow you keep letting me in. I know I shouldn't be mad at you about that Brody guy, I have no right to be. I just had this stupid, stupid idea that maybe you'd wait for me. I know, shocking huh? Every single one of my ideas is stupid. The think is, I'm sorry. For everything. I love you Rach. And I didn't avoid you for four months because I wanted to. I just kept reminding myself that you deserve so much better. But I couldn't do it anymore. I talked to Kurt and he said you missed me, and I felt hope, that maybe, just maybe, you might wait for me. I know, again, stupid."

He sighs. She crying even harder now. Why does it always come to this? Why does everything always have to be so complicated between them? "Finn, I-"

She's choked up and she can't speak. She pulls herself together and crooks a finger so he comes to her. He sits beside her and she kneel in front of him, her hands on his knees. "Finn, I know you did it out of love, I know that. I really, I admire you for that, but I wish you had approached it differently. Maybe talk to me about it and not just drop a bomb like that on me. And Finn, when are you going to realize that the right way to make your dad proud is to just follow your dreams? If you realized how great you are, can't you see it? Finn, without you, glee club would have never existed, and I wouldn't be living in New York with my best friend. _You are amazing_. You can do so many things. Trust me, believe me when I say that the only way to make you mom and you dad proud is to live your dream. So maybe NYADA wasn't right for you. There are thousands of schools here which will be able to help you reach your dream."

He looks at her. "What is I don't have a dream?"

"Everyone has a dream. We just need to find it. I don't think we'll have much trouble, we are in the city of dreams after all, right?", she smiles.

"We?", he says with his lopsided grin plastered on his face and her heart skips a beat, and she gets all choked up and can't speak so she just smiles. He bends towards her and presses his lips on hers, kissing her so sweetly and lovely.

"We're in this together", she says.

"We'll be okay", he says smiling and bends again to kiss her, picking her up and taking her to bed. Now she doesn't even try to think.

:.:.:.:

He says he wants to teach, music and be a coach. So he's applying to NYU for next year, and this year he'll just work at a tire shop that's right around the corner from their apartment and wait. Yes, their apartment. He's officially moved in, not without some long talks with Kurt about funny business, but she doesn't really pay attention to it. He's here. To stay. For good. He walks her to NYADA every morning and then he goes to work. And every single day there's a special treat waiting for her when she gets home, sometimes a muffin, or some flowers. Everything's falling into place, finally.

:.:.:.:

They don't get engaged this time. They are going to wait at least until she finishes college. It doesn't even bother them. They know they're a two for one deal, they know they're tethered forever. They love each other, and that's all that matters.

One evening Kurt's out with his friends from Vogue, so obviously, they take advantage of the empty house. Afterwards, when she's curled into him, he asks her a question.

"Do you sometimes wish you could change it?"

"Change what?", she asks, confused.

"Everything. Everything that happened between us. The train, Brody", he says. She stiffens and he holds her tighter.

"I sometimes think about it, but I don't think so. Despite the hurt and everything, it is what led us here and now. And now, we're happy right?", she asks looking up at him.

He looks down at her and his gaze softens and he smiles. "Yeah, we are"

She smiles back and leans upwards to kiss him. "We finally are", he breathes into her mouth.


End file.
